She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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