shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
