I feel great
I just peed on a car
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
