hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
