U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
