make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize