Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
