at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
