i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
