is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
