i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
