just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
