No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
