I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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