Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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