I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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