Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
