why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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