Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Damn victory sex feels great
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