Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
