like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
