She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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