If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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