Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
