I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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