my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
