I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
