I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
