why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
