so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
