i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize