She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
