I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
