he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
