Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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