She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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