You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
