I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
