someone get that fucking seahorse.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize