Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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