Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
