Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
