I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
