I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
