My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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