I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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