20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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