Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When did angry sex become our thing?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
