Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
