I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
