Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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