this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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