mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Randomize
