I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
