I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
