I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
