Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
