dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Actions speak louder than pants.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
