He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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