And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He kissed a someone with a penis
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
