She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
