Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
