I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
