I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
