I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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